I’ve been editing and updating the blogs, and noticed that I sound like a manic case of emotional depression in a lot of my poetry and short stories, this was not intentional. At the time of writing them I felt overwhelmingly satirical, a comic, uplifted. I guess I thought the words worked and the poetry struck a chord in me, so I went with it. However, I am not normally the type to look on the dark side, I prefer to light candles and create a cosy glow in my own life, well, at least until the sun begins to shine again in the Spring and Summer months. The articles should hopefully capture this.
I don’t suffer from S.A.D. However, there is only so much darkness and cold a human can endure, even when they live in a centrally heated box; with this trigger in mind, I have set myself a task, it isn’t a happiness task. Nothing like that. Anyway, everyone nowadays is looking for that state of mind.
As you know I am mapping a project #TruthaboutRoots this year (2017), this is my own way of finding Julie. We today in society have so many roles in life, our identity can often shift, as we mimic the lives we hope, aspire or believe we can only become. The words:
Don’t live someone else’s life, live your own.
Reminded me of a moment I had back in 2009 then later in 2012 when I had wanted to stop dying my hair, I’d forgotten what the real me looked like…
Even Jeremy Vine @BBCRadio2 did a piece back in Summer 2016 on how dying our hair is like an addiction, it becomes an obsession. I realised in December’16 that I had been trying to be someone else for years, nearly 20yrs and the journey hadn’t really taken me anywhere on the outside, with the exception of costing me nearly £10,000 of my own income over the months and years, to strive for what? Was it vanity? Was it essential? I had to test myself?
So, this last three months to date, I’ve stopped using a Hairdressers! I banned myself, and promised to put the money I would normally spend on what I would normally call a luxury, to better use. I’ve saved £120 already, my hair looks terrible and my son recently told me I no longer glow on the outside, which makes him feel sad. It made me feel sad too, I was only perceived from an external image.
(I know that this is not the case, however, my children have only ever known me as a dyed blonde.)
Therefore, as I said, I am looking for the inner light which has dampened, it is a little lost on the inside. I want to reignite my personality and bring back, me! Somehow, the perception of what we see has changed how people view one another. I want to be content with the natural me, I want to stop relying on the world to bring me the light and find out if being non-materialistic can be achieved whilst living amongst the foreseen norm in the Westernised world. I suppose it’s like giving up a drug, can I do it? Can I stop dying my hair? I have dyed it for 20 years!
Why do it? Well, I don’t want my writing to be so depressive, and abstract and materialistic, it has an externalist direction. I want it to be filled with a natural beauty, a cosy warmth and an appreciation for being in existence, existing in the body I was given. Sometimes I have been afraid to show my inner light, because inner lights often trigger envy in those that do not have it yet. We all have it, we just need to follow our own path and stop trying to live someone else’s life.
On that note.
Maybe the #TruthaboutRoots will be fun, worthwhile, maybe it will come to nothing. But, when you’re a writer, you have to research the subject, and the best subjects when you’re a writer are to learn for yourself. Then you will get a glimpse into understanding why you feel the desire to write at all.
If you think you can give something up in the westernised world, why not give it a try?
Thank you for reading.
The images were taken on a trip down memory lane. A revisit to York Castle and Abbey, the last time I was there, was a school trip aged around 12 years old. It hasn’t really changed it still remains itself, with a little maintenance thrown in. Loved it!